Why Getting Older is the Best Worst Thing to Ever Happen to Me

It’s been a year since I’ve graduated from college, and I’ve realized that some of my memories from my four years there have started to fade. One memory that I’ll always remember, however, is something that one of my favorite philosophy professors told us: she was hunched over the gigantic philosophy book that she was reading from, and she paused, looked up at us and said, “You know what? So many people hate getting old, but I’m telling you…by the time you’re in your forties you’ll realize that you just don’t care what other people think anymore. It’s such a freeing feeling.” I think that I found those words more poignant than the various existentialist philosophers we discussed that semester.

I’ve had a lot of insecurity in my life–I’ll admit that. I think that a lot of women my age deal with similar insecurities just because we’ve been raised in a world where we are constantly taught to question our appearances and lifestyles. What I’ve noticed, however, is a small but significant shift in the way that I view myself and the world recently. This shift is something that I can only assume is related to getting older. I don’t view “getting older” through the traditional sense of how many years one has been alive, but instead through experiences. I think that we all get a little “older” when we find ourselves in situations that challenge our minds and spirits.

I have this extremely weird thing that I do: I try to always buy one item in a ridiculously large container (usually a shampoo bottle) just so that I can measure what my life was like before and after I finished the product. I don’t know when or why I started this habit, but it has become this nice little meditation on what I’m doing with my life, where I’ve come from and where I am now. Here is my almost-out shampoo bottle:

Despite the label, my hair is neither big nor sexy.

When I first bought this, It was back in September. I was living with my grandparents, applying for jobs and had no idea what was going to happen to my life. Now, eight months later (I swear I wash my hair…I don’t know how I made this bottle last so long), good and bad things have happened: I have a job, I am living in a new city on my own, my grandmother has been at the Cleveland Clinic for a month after suffering a heart attack and I am still constantly searching for what my heart wants. Through all of this, I have grown and learned about myself through the experiences that I’ve had. Every time I empty out more of the contents of this bottle, I am reminded of the changes that can happen in such a small amount of time. Time is the measure by which we grow old, and it is also our greatest friend–anything can happen with time. As James Frey said in his novel A Million Little Pieces, “Be patient and wait. Your mud will settle. Your water will be clear.”

Let’s grow old together…let’s welcome the time before us instead of dreading it. Let’s embrace fear, put it in a bottle and watch how it changes over time.

Tags: A Million Little Pieces, aging, Cleveland Clinic, college, college graduate, fear, getting older, James Frey, job hunting, jobs, life, life experience, Philosophy, shampoo

Photographs

Taken from a writing exercise that I did with a friend a couple of months back. Enjoy (I swear I’ll have new, interesting things to write about as soon as my brain becomes less fried. Damn you, adult world!).

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When I was little, I often postulated that the world would be a better place if we didn’t have memories. While I sat near my family looking over old photographs, with wrinkled, yellow corners similar to the places in the mind where these memories were kept, I hesitated to smile upon times that were long gone and forgotten. What, I wondered, could be gathered from glancing at images of people that I would never meet, never speak to and never interact with past the few inches of paper lifted in between my fingers?

Much later, when I was nineteen, I dragged my boyfriend out to a large barn in the middle of nowhere that was packed in every corner with rejects of the past: items that were useless in estate sales or possessions that had not found their ways to successors long after their original owners had passed. The barn, tucked away from the wheat fields of the country but reminiscent of simpler times, was a sort of crazy, scattered wonderland of dusty decades gone by. Overwhelmed by the many shelves of items, I walked listlessly throughout the barn, completely forgetting what I was and who I was with.

Starting at one corner and working my way across the barn, I inspected each item with the intensity of a jeweler looking at the world’s most exquisite diamond. I opened an old Scrabble box and rifted through the score papers, learning that the board game had been frequently used by a grandmother and two her grandchildren. The grandmother, most likely being a savvy woman based on her vocabulary, did not seem to mind winning a few of the games as the children recorded in wispy letters, “Grandma wins again!” An old red bicycle, covered with dust but still in good condition, was propped in the corner of one room as if in a last attempt to maintain stability without the life of a human spinning its wheels. I touched old cola bottles from the days when drinks were five cents, old bottles of Jack Daniels, mugs that had come from all corners of the country and china that had most likely been safely kept in a cabinet, always there but never being used–much like everything in that barn.

While on my way to the old book section, I accidentally bumped into a little end table that had somehow managed to get in my way. As I glanced down, I was amazed at what I saw: layers upon layers of old photographs—memories of people that were frozen in time but unable to be appreciated unless in the hands of rightful owners. Intrigued, I grabbed a large pile, sat in an armchair and looked at what was before me. There was an image of a young man and woman, probably in their mid to late twenties, holding hands and smiling as waves of a beach crashed behind them. There were many old photographs of babies and children—some of which were dated as far back as 1910—and family portraits of individuals who had long left the earth, and their memories, behind.

My boyfriend was startled when he discovered what I was so engrossed in. Deeming it creepy and intrusive, he shook his head in confusion as to why I would even be bold enough to let my foreign hands touch the precious memories of strangers. Sitting there, looking at the old photographs and struggling to put my feelings into words, it struck me that I had finally understood the reason why photographs were so important: it was the abundance of energy and life in such fragile a form, it was the emotions captured beyond the veil of words and actions, it was the subconscious attempt to find meaning and connection with not only individuals of the past, but the world as a whole.

Three years later, I found myself spending a brief period of time living with my grandparents. The day before I was set to leave and move into my apartment, I begged them to grab their old photograph albums—the same that I had avoided so much when young. As I turned the pages with them, I found myself smiling at the young, beautiful couple in the pictures, and knew that memories such as these would always be permanent.

Tags: board games, creative writing, grandparents, heirlooms, memories, nonfiction, photographs, scrabble, treasures

Tips for Future Graduates

We are halfway through March already (seriously, how did that happen?) and it will be officially two months until my one year anniversary of graduating college. Two months before I graduated, I remember scouring the interwebs trying to find advice on how to lead my life in what I consider to be one of the scariest economies to be launched into after attending school for 18-some years of my life. The sad thing is that all of the advice I came across was pretty generic and unhelpful. If you are just entering college or if you are just about to graduate, here are some tips that I hope you will find helpful. Keep in mind that, just like me, your experience may definitely differ and you may find that my advice will not help you at all. That’s okay, though, because I’m sure you are eager to read my beautiful writing anyway.

If You Are Just Starting College

• Internships - I can’t stress this enough! While at my company, I have heard my co-workers scoff at interviewees who only had school projects to discuss while applying for a position. Try to have at least two internships before you graduate, and make sure that they are ones that you can show off on a resume. A lot of internships are unpaid, but they will pay off in their own way when you’re looking for a job.
• Party vs. Work -When I was a sophomore, Bill Rancic, the original winner of The Apprentice, gave a speech at my university. He said that he chose to gain work experience while many of his friends decided to get wasted every night. It was a personal choice, and it ended up benefiting him. You are at school to learn and to have fun, but at the end of the day having internships and part-time jobs will get you a full time job, not how many shots you can do in an hour.
• Avoid Serious Relationships-This was the big mistake I made: staying in a terrible two-year relationship during two crucial years of my college life. School is stressful enough, and having a serious relationship on top of it just adds to more unnecessary drama. If you do decide to date, get rid of anyone who does not respect the time that you need to study, to be alone or to be with your other friends. Not worth it.
• HTML and Photoshop Are Your Friends-Knowing HTML is what got me my job, and I never even took a formal class for it! No matter what line of work you are in, having a basic knowledge of HTML and a design program such as Adobe Photoshop will set you apart from your competitors. Try to take a class or teach yourself the basics of HTML through the W3 site.
• Broaden Your Horizons-As cliche as it sounds, try to take at least one class outside your core that really interests you or sounds challenging. For me, it was a Charles Dickens class and three Japanese language classes. Taking interesting and unique classes sets you apart, and you can milk it for all it’s worth when you go on interviews later on. Employers love to hear about how you set yourself apart.
• Greek Life is Bullshit-Been there, done that. Sororities and fraternities do not help you to get jobs and, unless you’re at a really big school, the responsibilities will bog you down. They aren’t as fun as they seem, and it’s kind of similar to the cheerleader/football player effect in high school: if you brag about it to a normal person, they’ll probably just laugh behind your back.

If You Are About to Graduate

• Don’t Use Job Boards- Seriously, no one ever tells you this but job boards are the worst way to find jobs these days. Think about it: everyone and their mother (assuming she is unemployed) are out there trying to apply to these jobs, which only amps up the competition for you and creates total burnout for the employer. Instead, do the following:
• LinkedIn For Job Searches: Create the most amazing, kick-ass LinkedIn profile that you possibly can. Add a professional picture, list all of your achievements and work experience using key phrases that are common in your industry and ask for ALL of the reccommendations that you can while on the site. LinkedIn profiles are just as, if not more, important than resumes nowadays. They should be taken pretty seriously. Once you have everything set up, use the company search to find local companies in your desired industry. Go on their sites and apply for jobs directly on there. It’s a bit exhausting, but it’s a great way to find jobs that aren’t on job boards. This method is how I found my job!
• Be Patient- You can’t hurry love, and you can’t hurry the perfect job either. Finding a good job takes time, but that time is worth it! Be wary of companies that invite you in to interviews without a preliminary phone interview first, or companies that you cannot find much information on while searching the web. These sites are most likely scams and, yes, I think that almost every recent graduate has gone on at least one interview only to find out that it was a complete fraud. By the way, there’s nothing wrong with interrupting your interviewer if you do find yourself in a fraudulent situation–why sit around for the whole damn interview to be done with? Simply tell them that the position does not match your interests, and get the hell out of there.
• Go On Every Interview- This is a pretty common point in any advice for recent graduates, but it still rings true: practice makes perfect. Go on any and all interviews that come your way, even if it’s not for a job you want. The better you get at doing interviews, the more ready you’ll be when the right one rolls along. Don’t forget to make a cheat sheet of all the most common interview questions (and your answers) and study that before every interview. If you’d like an example cheat sheet, message me and I’ll be happy to send one your way.
• Get Used to Flying Solo- No one ever really warned me about what life in the “real world” was going to be like after graduation. We’ve spent our whole lives in school–a place where you are pretty much forced to make friends with the people around you simply because you see them every day. When you graduate, you’ll find that your friends may not be as close to you geographically as they used to be, and you may find that your social life seems a little boring compared to what it was in school. All of this is normal. Enjoy being on your own and learning to make new friends because, let me tell you, finding people to hang out with outside of school is a pretty daunting task for the recent graduate. We all go through it, though.
• Watch Your Loans- Speaking from experience, I can safely say that you are very, very lucky if you end up paying your school loans off to a company who is nice enough to send you monthly reminders of your bill. Companies are pretty screwy these days so, right after you graduate, make sure to write down exactly what days your loans are due, verify that they haven’t been sold to other companies (this happened to me and I was never notified) and make regular payments in order to start building good credit for yourself.
• Stay Positive- Last but not least, remember that college is a boot camp that has trained you for the real world. It was easy for me and a lot of my friends to become very negative about finding a job due to the economy, but try your best to remember that everyone is in the same boat. Focus on your achievements and always be alert–you never realize how many good opportunities you miss out on when you’re negative or depressed until much later (and by then it’s too late).

I hope that someone somewhere can find value in my tips! Feel free to contact me with any tips of your own or questions that you may have.

Tags: Adobe Photoshop, Bill Rancic, Charles Dickens, college, college graduate, Employment, graduation, HTML, Internship, Interview, interview tips, job hunt, Job Search, LinkedIn, resume, resume tips, unemployed, university

Not OK, Cupid.

As a late Valentine’s Day treat, I thought I would share some of the gems that I have encountered while wading through the cesspool of crazy, awkward individuals on dating sites. Let’s begin, shall we?

I received a message that read “I know since we don’t know eachother my opinion probably doesn’t mean anything to you but I think you look prettier without the bangs.” Okay, first of all? How dare you insult my bangs. They are amazing and I love them. Second of all, take a look at yourself:

Shouldn't you be on SatanicMatch.com?

I seriously almost fell off of my chair laughing. Please, for the love of all that is holy (or in his case, Satanic), do not give style advice to a woman if you look like a serial killer.

Here’s another great one:

Huh?

Actually, I must say that I was flattered to be called a gangster. Finally my days of rapping to Nicki Minaj have paid off!

This one is, hands down, my all-time favorite. Not only did he openly admit his shoe fetish, he also assumed I was enough of a freak to wear SIZE ELEVEN SHOES.

I couldn’t even wrap my head around this one. First of all, how the hell do you market a tugboat company? Second of all, I didn’t even know tugboats still exist. The last one I saw was a Little Tikes one floating around my bathtub when I was four.

I’m not going to lie: there are a lot of nice people who are doing online dating, it’s just that this is only a very small example of the useless crap you have to wade through in order to find them. Happy belated Valentine’s Day!

Tags: Cyber Relationships, dating, Match.com, Nicki Minaj, OKCupid, online dating, Online dating service, Relationships, single, Valentine

Single, Nursing Mother Searches for Companion

I made the ridiculous decision of having a New Year’s resolution for 2012. Don’t get me wrong—I absolutely love setting personal goals and working toward them.  Blame it on the Catholic guilt that has stayed with me long after my relationship with organized religion has or on the fact that I really, really hate not keeping promises to ANYONE including myself. Either way, I’m damn good at making and achieving my goals because I pretty much see it as a promise that I can’t back down on. Which is good, but bad…

With that being said, my 2012 New Year’s Resolution is to go on at least two dates a month. It doesn’t have to be the same person twice, it doesn’t even have to be anything meaningful, just getting myself out there and away from men that I have previously fallen for who either live a million miles away, are still living the lifestyle of a college student on their parents’ budgets or decide that they actually like men (he didn’t admit it, but I know it’s true).

I decided to two-time the system by signing up for not only OK Cupid, but also a three month subscription to Match.com. To quote Zombieland, it was time for me to nut up or shut up.

My daily routine during the work week has become the quintessential portrait of the single mother: I come home, I make dinner, I sit on my couch and I nurse my child cat while scouring the two websites for a shred of hope.

My kitten Charlie, who was abandoned by his mother, has apparently come to the conclusion that my shirt is his sustenance. I found out that this is called ‘dry nursing’ after Googling the exact search phrase ‘kitten sucking and licking shirt.’ If the CIA is tapping into my computer God only know what they think. So, I sift through the messages from bald, fat men old enough to be my father and instant messages that are peppered with so much poor grammar that I almost reach for a red Sharpie and start proofreading the screen in disgust all while partaking in my own wet t-shirt contest hosted by my kitten. It’s gotten to the point where I keep old shirts lying around that I change into once the dry nursing has subsided.

The aftermath.

Trying to date men online that you really don’t know is kind of like dry nursing, though: you’re basically trying to find a shred of comfort and hope by sucking on the dry teat of date sites held together by shoddy algorithms. Most of the time, however, you find that you’ve done all that you’ve can and all you’re left with is an awkward, uncomfortable mess that is nothing like the natural thing. Either way, I suppose I still have some hope left…I just think that I have a lot of shirt changes to go through until I find something worth keeping.

Tags: Catholic, Catholic guilt, dry nursing, first date, goals, Holidays, Kitten, Match, Match.com, New Year, new years resolution, Nursing, OKCupid, online dating, Relationships, resolution, single, weird habits, Wet T-shirt contest, Zombieland

How I Spent My New Year’s Eve Weekend

It’s almost 7pm and I have just finished eating fish sticks and watching Thoroughly Modern Millie on YouTube. To many that would seem pathetic but, to me, it is yet another reminder that I can find entertainment in just about anything.

Take this weekend, for example.

Friday nights are usually pretty quiet for me now that I’m out of college and away from friends. In order to compensate for a lack of a social life, I did what any normal girl would do: I snuggled with my cat and watched Mansfield Park on Netflix. The worst part? I laughed more while watching that movie than I have with any movie I’ve seen in a while. I have always loved Jane Austen but was once again reminded of how witty and brilliant her form of storytelling is. Although I am sure many would disagree with me, I think Fanny Price is such an amazing character. I identified with her focus on entertaining herself through writing, her sarcastic view toward society and male suitors as well as the fact that she so eagerly tried to protect her heart. As she says in the story, “Run mad as often as you choose but do not faint.” Damn straight, Jane Austen!

My New Year’s Eve began with me researching how to properly open a champagne bottle on YouTube. I received a free bottle from my employer and had the brilliant idea of a quiet night in drinking mimosas and pigging out on Chinese food. No part of that plan went well.

I had heard about this amazing Chinese restaurant toward the more ghetto-y end of Cleveland that made delicious, homemade Chinese food. I had avoided any takeout for about three months and, in an attempt to treat myself, went all out and ordered a General Tso’s combo platter and a three pack of crab rangoon. Ten minutes later, I found myself standing in front of a Chinese restaurant decorated with graffiti. I actually had to knock on the door to be let in. That’s how ghetto it was. As I walked inside, I was greeted by what seemed like an entire Chinese clan just standing around and staring at me. The young man working the counter was so awkward and shy that he continuously lowered his head and looked down while I tried to make conversation as the food was being cooked.

“Which order did you have?” he asked. ”The #22 combo with the crab rangoon,” I said in the direction of his reverently lowered head. His face broke into a grin as he said, “Ahh yes, the BIG order!” Thanks for making me feel like a fatty, awkward Asian dude.

I raced home and was so excited to dive into some legit Chinese food. As I opened the box, the first thing I noticed was not the homemade egg roll nor the delicious smell wafting into the air but, instead, the long strand of black hair lining the inside of the box. Being the reptard that I am, I flicked the hair away and decided that it hadn’t technically touched the food so maybe I was okay. As I was eating, though, I had a sneaking suspicion that Mr. Black Hair and I would soon meet again. I was right: he was also hiding in the crab rangoon. Disgusted, I tossed my entire $10 dinner in the trash and proceeded to cut my hand while opening the bottle of champagne. I guess watching five YouTube videos wasn’t enough.

Lastly, I spent the evening with a friend whose boyfriend was working until 1am at a pizza shop. We ended up meeting him at Marco’s Pizza and watching the ball drop there. That’s right, I spent my New Year’s eve in a pizza shop.

I would have much rather kissed this little guy on NYE. And, yes, he actually did fall asleep like that.

My weekend culminated with a slightly awkward but not too horrible first date with a guy that I met on OKCupid. I’m not sure where it’s going to go but I’m not entirely excited about it, which is probably a bad sign.

Until I find someone that I’m actually attracted to (which is a feat in itself), I suppose I’ll be happy eating my fish sticks, watching musicals and cracking up during Jane Austen movie adaptations. Life could be worse!

Tags: 2012, champagne, chinese food, Fanny Price, Friday, Jane Austen, Julie Andrews, Mansfield Park, mimosas, Netflix, New Year, New Year's Eve, Thoroughly Modern Millie, YouTube

Prince Charles

It’s official: I’ve fallen in love with a member of the opposite sex and he is 100% my type. He can be playful and adventurous when he wants to be, but he’s also the kind of guy who just loves snuggling and fondly touching you in inappropriate places. I met him online and, I know this is crazy, but he moved in with me after just a week.

In case you haven’t figured out that a situation like this is highly unlikely for me, I’ll spell it out: I have a kitten.

Little Charlie

A few years ago, my mother revealed that she had been absolutely terrified after she had me (her first child). She confessed that she made my father change my diapers because she had never done it before. At the time, I had laughed and her and said “Come ON, Mom. It’s a baby. It’s so easy.” Man, was I wrong. I had waited forever to have my own place and my own cat, and the moment I had little Charlie, a 9 week-old kitten, in my car, I immediately began freaking out. I realized that, for the first time in my life, I was 100% responsible for the life of someone other than myself. I then proceeded to leave him in my car for ten minutes while I ran into PetSmart to get a litter box. Ten minutes in to taking care of a small life and I was already abandoning him. Go me!

Two days ago, I went into a Walgreens and asked for my items to be triple bagged. The cashier looked at me oddly and muttered “Okay…”. I leaned in and said “Trust me. I need them for my kitten. He poops. A LOT.” Suddenly I have become one of those people who talks about their pets, including their bodily functions, openly in public. I’m not embarrassed in the least (which somewhat worries me). What worries me even more, however, is the fact that my mother has begun referencing Charlie as her “grandson” to others. Poor woman.

Nevertheless, having a kitten has been a great experience so far. It’s great to come home to the cutest little tuxedo cat that I’ve ever seen, and it’s been incredibly awesome having a little warm fuzzball fall asleep on my lap on such cold winter nights. Currently we are in the midst of completing the Millenium trilogy (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series) on Netflix. Don’t worry– I’ve covered his eyes during the more adult scenes.

Expect more interesting (and probably more well written) posts soon! I hope everyone has a happy holiday.

Also, if you’ve ever wondered what my voice sounds like, head over here to listen to me reading two of my most recent blog entries at this amazingly awesome girl’s Tumblr, Simply Spoken Word.

Tags: Cat, Kitten, Litter box, Netflix, new pet, Pet, PetSmart, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, tuxedo cat, Walgreens

They can’t ALL be funny!

Light. That’s how I felt when I first met him. I was nineteen and I had just exhaled the last fragment of my cigarette, watching the ashes drop from outside of my car window and onto the school parking lot. The sparks, similar to the butterflies in my stomach, danced against the breeze of the warm spring night. I saw him in the distance, smiling and motioning over to his car: time to go.

When I was little, I came to the shocking realization that nothing was permanent. Every time I experienced something amazing or beautiful, I would feel a pang in my heart akin to the ache you feel when you have your first real, sincere cry as a child. I will never experience this moment again, I would think, and one day I may not even remember this moment anymore. The realization plagued me so deeply that I decided the best solution would be to go over a beautiful event in my mind as many times as possible—the sights, smells, noises—so that I would etch it into my brain. A memory tattoo. I felt comfort in the knowledge that, if I could remember the happy times in my life to the fullest extent, I could relive them and hopefully experience the same joy later on. I remember that I tried explaining this concern, and the solution, to my sister only to be met with confusion and disinterest. The way I looked at the world, I realized, was not something that every other six year old experienced.

As we walked into the first bar that I had ever been in, I looked down at the hand intertwined with mine. I had never held a man’s hand in this way before, and I felt a sense of electricity run up and down my arm as I experienced the warmth of another person’s body  linked with mine. It felt so foreign and, yet, so intimate and important. The hand squeezed reassuringly. Back in the car, he had passed around a water bottle filled with cider ale, and I walked around the bar with a relaxed, happy demeanor that was foreign to my usual stern self. I remember that the bar was filled with noises but all I could really hear was the sound of his voice. The only two sensations I felt were the chill of the beer bottle in one hand and the comforting heat of his hand locked with mine in the other. Later on, he would take me outside and we would spend an hour, away from his friends, just holding hands and talking. Everything about that night, from the smell of his cologne to the feeling of excitement and nervousness as I looked at him, was so new and beautiful that I thought my heart and mind would explode.

Two years went by and the memory, once a symbol of the innocence of our first love, became a painful reminder of the feeling that I had lost long ago. When I decided that it was time to move on, I cried not for what I was walking away from then, but from the pain of the memories of nights like those when everything was exciting, vibrant and perfect.

Looking back, I couldn’t be happier that I have become such a meticulous tattoo artist of my memories. The surge of emotions from days past keep me from becoming bitter, and the ink has bled onto new memories that I have created now, reminding me that even the most faded colors can be retouched and made new again.

Tags: college, dating, first love, memories, smoking, Tattoo, Tattoo artist