Graduating Again

I’m walking back to my car after a night of seeing my friend who will be graduating from the college that I attended two years ago. It’s raining and I’m running through the tiled area near the business school, and I notice that the tiles I’m running on aren’t loose and moving around under my feet like they used to. I’m surprised at the sense of security I feel even though I know that one wrong step could probably leave me tripping. I stop and walk up to the shrine of the Virgin Mary illuminated by candles, protected somehow by the intense wind and rain, and I stare at her. I wonder, if I stay and stare long enough, if she’ll turn to me and start telling me where to go.

Not where to go in the sense of how to find my car. I know where that is, of course. No – what I want, what I’m asking out of this inanimate religious statue — is to tell me what it is that my college experience meant and whether I’m doing the right thing with my life. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is a common event for melancholic recent graduates such as myself. Maybe.

An hour before my awkward staredown with Mary, my friend is walking me through the halls of the buildings pointing out the new additions that have come about since my graduation. “We have recycling centers everywhere now,” she told me, “and there’s even a new free trade, student-run smoothie café!” She took me to a photography exhibit – something that my school never had before – and she even mentioned that my former marketing professors still remember me when she brings me up. My friend is a social butterfly, and we are interrupted quite frequently on our journey from building to building. When I am introduced, each student vigorously shakes my hand and gives me a genuine smiled. I am in complete shock, not only regarding the changes to the buildings, but to the changes that I see within the students that now go to my former university. Has my mindset changed, I wondered, or has this place finally turned into a school that welcomes people other than rich snobs?

I had specifically asked my friend to walk around the campus with me because I feel that it is important to return to places that were once important in your life. It’s easy to point to an old school or place of employment from far away – you can spew out as many I remember when…’s from that distance because it is safe. It’s the same as looking at a photo of a distant relative and actually hugging them in real life: there has to be that physical aspect to truly bring all of the memories and emotions together. For me, I felt an urgency to walk through the halls of the business school and to smell the familiar smells of the cafeteria, old books and incense from outside the chapel in the student center. I wanted to go down the same flight of stairs that I went down so many times, knowing that I could never had predicted what my life would be like if I were to go down them again two years later. As I was doing all of this, I felt like I was visiting a very old friend; a friend who gave me shelter, gave me an education and taught me how to be the person that I am today.

College was, as it is for many, a time of stress, uncertainty and exhilaration. I associated my school with a lot of negative feelings simply because I never felt like I belonged that well. Going back and knowing what I know now, I feel differently. I think that the biggest lesson that I learned from all of this is that situations are never as bad as what they seem. I learned that the things that I took for granted and often was waiting to run away from were actually things that I deeply appreciate now. I realized that life is not worth living if you can’t do something like this – if you can’t measure the steps that you’ve taken in the giant circle that we all will walk in life. When we come back to those places and we realize the good that we never saw before, it is because we didn’t have the capacity to appreciate it at other points in our life before. By recognizing this, we learn to be more cognizant of our lives as we are living them.

Growing up a Catholic, one hears many stories of God or the Virgin Mary popping up out of nowhere to bring important messages to others. Although I don’t practice the religion much anymore, there’s still a small part of me that wonders if something extraordinary like that could happen to me. Staring at the statue that night, I think that a part of me wanted it to happen. When you’re in your mid-twenties, you’ll take any shred of hope that you have that someone, somewhere, will lead you and your heart down the right direction. I think that I finally got that from the statue last night. It was told directly to my heart, not out loud, and unlike the reverberant booms of a graduation speech against auditorium walls, I discovered that the most potent messages are always silent in their clarity.

Online Dating At Its Worst and Best (…and my advice to those seeking love on free dating sites)

I want to preface this entire post by saying that I am in no way, shape or form an expert in online dating or dating in general, for that matter. I feel, however, that I truly have experienced the best and worst of online dating in the past year, and I hope that these experiences can help others who may be in the same situation or who are exploring online dating for the first time.

The Worst

A year after I had ended an awful two-year relationship, I met a man — we’ll just call him X — on a start-up online dating site. I actually wasn’t out looking for anything at that point, I simply enjoyed talking to him because he was from the Netherlands and I’m sucker for learning more about other cultures. A few months went by and we admitted that we both liked each other a lot but obviously the whole long-distance thing was a bad idea. Even with that said, we still continued to Skype once a week for a few hours. Fast forward to a year (yes, a year) later: I have stopped talking to X a couple of times because, deep down, I knew that it was unhealthy. Despite all of this, he kept coming back and telling me that he missed me. In June of 2012, he told me that he loved me. He was drunk when he did it, and I knew that this wasn’t the way I wanted anything in my life to be. We agreed that we wouldn’t date anyone else until we had met, and we made plans for him to come see me in October.

Before I go any further, I want to outline some characteristics of X that I knew were bad but had dismissed because I thought that I was being paranoid:

- He was a partier, good looking and very cocky

- He spoke of having sex with multiple women and even kissing a girl who was in a relationship with someone else at the time.

- He lived with his grandparents and didn’t have a real job (he dropped out of law school). Instead, he kept in touch with all of his international friends and pretty much visited them and got free places to crash all of the time. In a way, I felt like he was using these people.

- The only time he ever said he loved me, or said anything romantic, was when he was drunk.

- He wanted me to fly to him even though I was the one who had a stable job and had never flown overseas before. He said that where I lived seemed boring with nothing to do, and he used that as a way to keep pressuring me to come see a city (Amsterdam) that was actually cool.

Even with all of these signs, I had strong feelings for this man. My family was extremely concerned about me, and they had the right to be, but I defended him. I had a feeling that he was lying about being faithful to me, and so I did go on dates with other men but didn’t tell him about it… I never was serious about any of the men, though, and I did it more to have the “upper hand” if I ever found out that he was lying to me.

In August, I noticed that his relationship status on Facebook had disappeared. Around the same time, he “accidentally” deleted me as a friend and then added me back. A few weeks after this, I randomly clicked on one of the girls who had liked a picture of him only to find that her public profile said that she was in a relationship with X.

Suddenly, I figured it out: he had defriended me so that he had time to hide his relationship status from me. I found out that he had been dating this girl for several months, and I told him to never speak to me again.

I can’t express the feelings of anger, embarrassment and shock that I felt about this entire situation. He most likely would have continued to lead me on and I would have spent who knows how many months delaying my OWN search for love because of this man. That, more than anything, was the crux of my anger.

After this experience, I want to stress that long distance relationships do not work if you meet online first. I’m sorry, but the odds are seriously against you. I would never, ever recommend the experience that I had to anyone, and I would advise extreme caution to anyone who is taking this route. Yes, I have heard of success stories, but they are few and far between. In addition to this, I want other online daters to know that this can happen even if you are talking to someone locally. Ignore any person who takes forever to make plans with you, seems like he is playing around or just gives you an “off” feeling. I can’t tell you how many times my gut was telling me to walk away, and you need to trust that gut feeling even if you think that you are crazy.

This situation caused me a lot of pain and anger, and it was only because of this that I decided to get back into online dating SERIOUSLY this time. I made a profile on Plenty Of Fish and OKCupid, and I got to work on finding a man who truly was going to treat me right. For some of us, myself included, you need to get angry before you get happy. Never let a bad experience or relationship cause you to retreat from finding love. Instead, get pissed off about it — only then will you truly put your heart and soul out there and become determined to make your life better. Just make sure that you are in it for the right reasons, and not for revenge or attention.

The Best

After becoming very angry at my awful situation with X, I met a man on OKCupid about a week later. Apart from loving to travel, this man and I didn’t really have that much in common. He had cats, though, so we talked a lot about that. This man insisted on calling me, kept in constant contact with me and planned very nice dates. Even after the third date, I was struggling to find things to talk to him about. On top of this, I discovered that he had recently broken up with his girlfriend of five years and that they had been engaged. I was outraged, I told him that I refused to be a rebound, and I seriously considered dropping him every time I talked to him. My co-worker, who had met her fiance online, told me to not give up and to give him a chance. “Everyone finds out what they want at different points in their lives,” she told me. 

This man asked if I wanted to be exclusive after our third date. I told him no. I went on two more dates with him and he asked me again, and this time I said yes. It took me about five or six dates to really start learning about this man, understanding his personality and finding things to talk about. Every single part of this process was painful, and I really took a HUGE leap of faith with him.

Fast forward six months later. This man has turned out to be the perfect partner I could ever ask for. I found that dating someone who wasn’t similar to me in personality meant that there was more to share and discover with each other. Once we became comfortable around each other, we were able to truly act like ourselves and I found that I absolutely loved the man that he really was, not the person he had initially acted like when we first started dating. He was kind and patient about my insecurities with his ex. What at first was a very shaky beginning turned into something absolutely wonderful over time, and it’s all because I knew deep down that what I was doing before I met him, and the men I was selecting before him, were obviously not working out. If you feel that you’re in a similar situation, I dare you to date someone that is a complete opposite of you. It’s probably the best decision that I ever made.

Online dating is, as I like to say, the best boot camp that you’ll ever experience on the path to finding love. By taking leaps of faith and by being patient and open, you can become very, very hurt by people, but you can also find love. I personally think that you have to experience the bad to find the good, and this was definitely my case with online dating.

Am I protected against getting hurt down the road? Definitely not. None of us, even the ones who meet people offline, are ever truly safe. We are all going to get hurt. It’s how we deal with this pain, and what we channel that energy into, that really determines what is going to happen. Ultimately, you have the power to determine all of this  because 99% percent of life is showing up, and how you deal with that 99% is going to shape what your life will be like. As Neil deGrasse Tyson said, “The most successful people in life recognize that in life they create their own love, they manufacture their own meaning, they generate their own motivation.” If I hadn’t met X and gone through that entire situation, I would have never gotten angry enough to truly go out and find what I knew I deserved. If I hadn’t been hurt, I would have never learned how to identify men who are unfaithful. If I would have never been open about my feelings to X and truly put my heart out there in a way I had never done before, I know that I would never have been able to open up to the man that I’m now in a relationship with as much simply because I used to keep my emotions very closed off. I really would encourage everyone to take the worst of online dating and channel that negativity in a way that you can also find online dating at its best.

When dating anyone online, you should:

- State exactly what you are looking for on your profile. Looking for hookups? Be honest about it. Looking for a serious, long-term relationship? Let everyone know. Put your personality into your profile and have at least two close friends read it. Ask them if it accurately describes you and, if not, what to change. Be sure to give your profile a good proofing, too. 

- Talk online to someone for a week, talk on the phone for a week and then you should be having your first date somewhere in this time frame. I don’t give a crap if you don’t like talking on the phone. Guess what? If you want to date someone, you need to find out if you can communicate well with that person. Suck it up, call them, and figure it out as fast as you can. If they do not suggest a date after this time frame, move on.

- Do not stop going on dates with others until you are exclusive with the person. I can guarantee that they are not focusing on one person at a time, and neither should you. Dating, online dating in particular, is about going through many dates with people and using that knowledge to determine what you’re truly looking for.

- Do not have sex with anyone you meet online, or anywhere really, until you are exclusive. I’m very traditional in this sense, and it really does weed out people quickly. Get rid of anyone who pressures you.

- Get used to the fact that online dating is a very fast-paced process. You may feel that you have nothing to talk about with the person, and that’s true because, um, you just met the person. This is the number one thing I struggled with in online dating because I was used to meeting and dating men by getting to know them in real life as friends first.

- Have a three date minimum. Would you like someone to judge and dismiss you after meeting you once? Give someone a chance enough to see them three times, and then make your decision to keep going or not.

- Keep trying. Online dating, just like dating in real life, is pretty much all down to chance. The more you put yourself out there, and the more duds you meet, the more you will learn about what you’re truly looking for. This is pretty much the best reward you can get out of going on a lot of awful dates. It also makes you a total pro at first dates and the art of conversing with someone you barely know.

Please feel free to comment or send me messages if you would like to ask questions about my experiences in online dating, long-distance dating or even if you have questions about how to make the perfect profile. I’d love to somehow use what I’ve gone through in a way that will help others to hopefully find love, too.

I Really, Really Like “Girls”

As a twenty-something girl who can barely maintain a blog, hasn’t had anything published since college and can’t take time out of the day to even read and subsequently gush about The Fountainhead anymore, I am supposed to hate twenty-six year-old Lena Dunham, who is now an award-winning writer, producer and actress of her smash TV show “Girls.” I don’t hate Lena, though. In fact, I kind of want to be her friend.

I won’t pretend that I was a “Girls” fan from the offset. I saw a preview for it a few weeks before the pilot aired, and it seemed like that horrible mix of awkward comedy, hipster quips and drug-fueled party scenes that tend to send me running in the other direction. I heard about the show winning a Golden Globe, I watched Lena give her speech and I immediately went to HBO Go to start watching the series from the beginning. A week and twelve episodes later, I found myself listing the many reasons why I love and identify with “Girls” while taking a shower today (seriously, I can never turn my brain off). I’m sure that a lot of amazing reviews have been done for this show, and I really don’t give a hoot. Here it is, WordPress – enjoy your millionth “Reasons Why I Love ‘Girls’” blog post. I’m not sorry.

Why Do I Love “Girls”?

It is the Only TV Show Set in New York That Doesn’t Make Me Insanely Jealous that I Don’t Live in New York

Lena has admitted that “Girls” is very much a “Sex and the City” for twenty-somethings. While this is somewhat true, there are many deviations, one being the fact that the four girls in Lena’s show are not partaking in the quintessential New York life – think brunch in fancy restaurants, shoe shopping, eating ice cream (or jogging, or hitting on hot men with cute dogs) in Central Park, partying in night clubs where they always cut to the front of the line and hot sex with millionaires. Instead, the show touches upon the economy and receiving money from their parents just to get by, the girls’ inabilities to pay rent or even find decent jobs despite their college degrees, sleeping with men who are most likely sociopaths and panicking over STD tests and pregnancy scares. The party scenes are few and actually play a part in the story or development of characters, and the clothing is less Prada and more Goodwill.

It is Unapologetic

Did you ever think you’d see a show where a man is lying on a bed asking Lena’s character, Hannah, to urinate into a pot because he’s too lazy (sorry, “in pain”) to get out of bed? How about watching a girl struggle to pull down her tights as she’s attempting to have sex with her super weird boyfriend-that-isn’t-really-a-boyfriend? This show is full of awkward, weird scenes that I’m sure many people find uncomfortable. The reason why they are uncomfortable is because they remind us, whether we are in our twenties or not, that we all do really stupid things when we are young and that the mid-twenties are less about confidence and more about trying to hide your anxiety. The show portrays both sides of the relationship spectrum for twenty-somethings: the hookup culture and “comfort” relationships that stemmed in college and have fizzled out but stayed intact due to being a security blanket. Neither situation, as the show points out, is a happy one. As Hannah says, “I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time, thinks I’m the best person in the world, and wants to have sex with only me.”

It Has a “Real” Woman

One of my favorite shows right now simply because it proudly shows a woman who would be considered overweight by Hollywood’s standards is “The Mindy Project.” I absolutely love Mindy Kahling and think her confidence and figure are gorgeous. I didn’t know of any other shows that featured a healthy-sized woman until I started watching “Girls.” As many reviews say, Lena’s character continues to be naked in the show in a way that makes you wonder if the entire point is not for her to be naked, but to teach viewers a lesson. Her body is not toned, skinny or tattoo-free, and her hair is barely done nicely on most days, and this gives “Girls” a raw and refreshing feel. I really commend Lena Dunham for showing the unpolished, real side of everyday women. I think it may be the only “girly” show I’ve watched where I haven’t felt ugly, fat and without nice designer clothes. It’s real; it’s not selling sex, makeup and clothing and I would support the show on this fact alone, even if the writing was awful.

Men Aren’t the Saviors

I am not sure if Lena Dunham is a feminist, but her show definitely has some feminist overtones. Every man introduced on the show, whether it is Hannah’s father, her so-called boyfriend or the man Marnie is dating is there to let us as the audience make judgment calls on exactly what is considered a healthy relationship for a twenty-something woman. Is the man-child who has temper issues, is disgustingly lazy and belittles women unless they are there for sex considered a good person to date? What about the man who loves his girlfriend so much and is so sweet and emotional that he actually turns the girl off? What about the young man who doesn’t “do” virgins and rejects the girl who tells him she is one? “Girls” doesn’t point fingers or show which men are right, wrong, perfect or crazy. Instead, nothing is said – in fact, the audience knows that Hannah is in a very unhealthy relationship much, much quicker that she herself realizes in the show.

“Girls” is probably one of the best shows I’ve ever watched, and it’s not because it’s well-written, has great actors and is original. It is because it is the only fictional show I have ever seen on television that lets young women feel okay about the changes, struggles and situations that they are going through. It is the only show where I’ve laughed not because a scene is funny, but because I never once thought that other girls had gone through things that I have. That validation is worth its weight in gold, or maybe just worth paying extra for HBO. 

A Breakup Letter to My Cat

Dear Adorable Cat of Mine,

The single “nugget” of wisdom that you’ve been leaving outside of your litter box and smack dab in the middle of the living room for the past month is, I know, not an accident. Nor is your ability to spring out of nowhere on your hind legs with both paws in the air, throwing yourself at my legs and silently chuckling to yourself while I trip. If you did that fifty years down the line, I’d be a poster child for the Life Alert necklace. I know that your litter box hasn’t been cleaned as often, your food bowl is sometimes either very low or overflowing with food out of laziness and I haven’t thrown your favorite white mouse toy in a while.

The truth is, dear cat, the very tall man who you are convinced is your arch nemesis is, in fact, the number one man in my life now. Your blanket that you weirdly suck on and paw at has been removed from its spot next to me on the bed and now sits in a corner, and I can hear you snoring and purring at the loudest volume possible to get attention when he’s around. I’m no idiot – I understand that you’re mad. But it’s not you, little fluffball, it’s me(ow). This is exactly what I get for calling myself a cat lady for life and being proud of it… this is what I get for overdosing on feminazi Reddit threads and watching Kill Bill too many times and forgetting that at the core of each us, whether we like it or not, there is a terrifying beauty to being vulnerable and in love. Most of the time, it stings more than your cat scratches do, and it certainly leaves a longer mark, but it’s something I’m sick of avoiding. 

Thank you for being the first member of the opposite sex that I have truly loved with all of my heart. I will never stop kissing your bubblegum pink nose, and you’re still free to watch while I take showers. I hope you can forgive me for bringing another person into my life. If you get upset about it, please maintain a permanent frown on your face so that you can be the next Grumpy Cat and we can be famous on the interwebz.

Placing a paws on our relationship,

 

I Am Reptard  

 

One Year Recap: Life Outside College and How to Truly Embrace Your First Job – PART ONE

A few days ago, I had my first pumpkin spice latte of the season. Only after that first warm, delicious sip did I truly celebrate the one year anniversary of me starting my first job out of college.

Last year at this time, I stopped by the local Dunkin Donuts and sipped that exact same drink as I made my very first one hour commute from my grandparents’ house, where I was living after graduating, to my new job. Though I’m not too slow to adapt to new surroundings, the first week of anything new is usually a huge shock to my system – so much so that my memory usually is completely wiped of that first week. I don’t think I remember more than five memories of my first full year of high school after moving, which was by far the worst mental shock I’d been through. I can’t tell you what I did that first week of my job, but I can tell you this: I was terrified and excited at the same time. I remember staring at my cubicle and having tears well up in my eyes as I thought to myself, “Is this my life for the next forty-some years? Waking up early, trudging to work and staring at grey cubicle walls? Am I cut out for this?”

I have been brutally honest to the several friends that I have who are still in their senior year of college: Graduating and having your first job is a very rude awakening. In fact, it’s best described as a serious of ruthless smacks on the face and shoves into concrete walls that continue for at least two months, maybe more. The beauty, however, is that each day as your brain and heart and body get pushed around, you are transforming into the best person you’re going to be. In a special two part series, I’m going to touch upon a few of the experiences I have had so far a year into my job and how I dealt with them. I truly hope this provides comfort and knowledge to others in similar situations.

The only time of the year when I’m totally okay spending money on coffee every day.

Making Office Friends

I am the kind of person who wants to be friends with everyone. When I jumped into my job, I was faced with a very tight-knit group of girls in my marketing department who all seemed to have their own inside jokes and interesting stories to talk about. I felt so alone and left out, and it was mostly because (here comes the tip, people!) I was comparing it to college. Only now have I put both things together, but it’s true: In college, it is pretty safe to say that everyone is there to make friends, and it’s pretty darn easy to do it. In the workforce, it’s a bit different. People come and go and there aren’t activities to really ease yourself into friendship like school does, so it’s a completely different approach. My best advice is to be cordial and nice and let the relationships with your co-workers develop slowly. Once you get really comfortable there (and for me it took about seven months), you will loosen up and talking to co-workers will come naturally.  I was pretty shy when I started, and now I joke around and waste time talking to people as much as the next person.

Expand Outside of Your Department

If you work in a medium to large-sized company, there’s a high possibility of you never really speaking to anyone outside of your own department. In your first year, make a mental effort to change that. You will come upon a time where you will have to call someone in another department for help or to assist you in a project, so use that time to your advantage and let yourself become a familiar face to them. Here’s an extra special tip: Befriend your IT department. They are usually full of the coolest, most laid back people and are super approachable. They also will give you extra special treatment when you are having computer issues or need access to top-secret things, such as the color printer or the privacy-protected mobile wifi access.

Don’t Date a Co-Worker

Don’t do this. Let me repeat: Don’t do this. Ever. Ever ever. Even if, like me, you think that it helps you to relate more the next time you read Bridget Jones’s Diary. Dating a co-worker makes the workplace awkward because you have to watch your every move. Word will spread faster than wildfire that you are involved in an office romance and it could potentially ruin your professional appearance and job. In my case, I didn’t start a relationship with a co-worker, but I did go on a date with one. During our (awful) date, I told him that I would “be the biggest bitch and make your life a living hell” if he ever told anyone, which he did. Pro tip: Threatening men isn’t as successful when you are drinking raspberry cider ale. It just doesn’t seem as hardcore. If you do decide to date someone in the workplace, which I hope you don’t, try to date someone in another department. And by another department, I mean one at least one floor down from yours. Preferably two.

Oh hey, Bridget, who’s there? NOT YOUR CHEEKY (those Brits can get away with using that word so well) OFFICE ROMANCE. Nope.

Stay tuned for the second half where I’ll share some more of my wonderful nougat-centered nuggets of wisdom.

Dirty Dancing in Depends

From the outside, it looked like any normal hotel chain. It was a Friday night and, judging by the sparse amount of illuminated hotel room windows, guests were out for the night and exploring the various bars and upscale restaurants within proximity. At nine o’clock, we pulled into the hotel parking lot for what I was told would be one of the most depressingly entertaining nights of my life.

My initial suspicions and doubts were immediately erased by the very first glimpses of life that I saw emerging. From every corner of the parking lot, Buicks, Lincolns and Mercurys piled in, their shiny exteriors slowly spitting out men and women the ages of sixty and up with crisp suites, colorful ties and sparkling bodysuits that left in their wakes an intoxicating aroma of expensive aftershaves and perfumes that had been sprayed one pump too many. Like us, they were headed to the lounge located in the heart of the hotel – a place famously known for aging swingers and singles in the area to go when they were seeking to dance to rhythms set ten paces faster than their slowing pulses.

The most laughable part of entering the lounge was the fact we were all carded five feet before we even had a chance to look through the door. The bouncers, which were comprised of two men in their late sixties, seemed excited to actually have a chance to perform their jobs. The lounge was quite large – at least three rooms (plus a separate room where a wedding party was being held) with two levels plus a generously-sized dance floor equipped with strobe lights of various sizes and colors. Beneath these vibrant lights, dancing in outfits whose colors somewhat offset the pallor of their skin, were couples that I’d like to believe were never divorced and still much in love.

Work it, Grandma!

I would be doing myself and the lounge a disservice if I was to even attempt to accurately describe what I saw for the next four hours. It involved a live band which, to my amazement, was extremely good. As the night went on, the dance floor became so crowded that it was hard for us to even pick out our favorites, which included an Amish man (we are assuming he just never went back after his Rumspringa), a seventy-something old lady who could bend down lower and perform more sensual dance moves than I ever could and two female wallflowers who looked like they had traveled forward in time from their high school prom, their now-wrinkled hands desperately clutching the vodka tonics that they shyly sipped. For me, the night hit its peak when the band performed a rap version of “Sexual Healing” by Marvine Gaye. Based on how everyone was dancing and moving so close, I had to wonder how many bottles of Viagra had been passed around the place that night.

Watching the individuals sitting near our table, on the dance floor and gossiping and acting giddy in the women’s restroom was a pure treat for a people watcher such as myself. Despite sitting there and laughing at the expense of senior citizens simply out to have a good time, it was almost like peering into a mirror that, although foggy and cracked, reflected the traits and trials that all human beings must go through regardless of what age they are at: I could see couples who were still in love, women who were still insecure about themselves, men who still felt like they had the world at their feet and a universal eagerness, almost desperation, to be accepted and loved. Looking out into that dance floor, I gained a newfound clarity on the fragility of life and how loving and accepting yourself is so important to learn while you are young.

During the last half hour at the lounge, the band started singing some of our favorite hits from the 90s. I found myself singing along to “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy and dancing in my seat. Smiling, laughing and enjoying music from the past, I realized that I really wasn’t that different from anyone else there that night.

My Own Personal Mordor (or Why I Chose Not to Wear the Ring)

A week ago, I consulted one of my closest straight male friends about an issue that I was having: what is it with men and approaching women/asking for their number? I thoroughly enjoy observing people, and nine times out of ten I’d say that I witness girls coming on to guys, asking for numbers and doing all the work more than I see men doing this. As a girl who digs nerdy guys, this rings especially  true: most of the time, men are completely oblivious to how you feel about them unless you tell them straight-up. What, I asked my friend, goes through a man’s mind when he’s contemplating approaching a girl or flirting with her?

He immediately started asking me what I considered to be very random questions. One of them almost made me laugh out loud: “Do you wear any rings on your fingers?” Don’t get me wrong: I like jewellery and shiny, sparkling things, but I tend to keep all of that to a minimum in my everyday life. I think that too much jewellery looks tacky. Therefore, I mostly only wear one important piece on my right middle finger: a  gold ring with an opal heart in the center that my great-grandmother used to wear. I have gotten so many compliments on this ring that I hardly ever take it off. Well, until I got that text message from my friend.

“So, you’re telling me that as a modern, single woman I can’t even wear a friggin’ ring on my right hand? Are you nuts?” I furiously texted him back, hoping he’d realize his mistake. What he told me seemed so simple and so lacking in logic that I knew that it had to be the way that the majority of men think. “Well,” he replied, “my fiancé never wore any rings until she got engaged to me. And if I saw a girl with a heart ring on any of her fingers, I’d probably assume that she was attached in some way.” Apparently Frodo ain’t the only one who had problems wearing a piece of jewellery on his hand. If I had to ask whether I was going to get an A or an F in the whole being single department, Gandalf surely would be standing here telling me that I shall not pass.

I was going to put a picture of Frodo here until I stumbled across this (freaky) picture of Cate Blanchett. Damn, girl, what under eye concealer do you USE?

Sure enough, once I had taken off the ring my dating/love life got a little (may I stress the little part) better. What, I wondered, started this whole ring business anyway?

History for Reptards: What is This Gold Thing on My Finger Edition

According to Wikipedia, by far the most reputable site for finding all historical facts on the world wide interwebs, wearing and giving rings has been going on for over 6,000 years. As many may know, the ring finger of the left hand is used for engagement and wedding rings because there is a belief that there is a vein in that fourth finger that connects directly to the heart (does that creep anyone else out?). Want to know the craziest part? The custom of wearing a wedding ring on this finger was only established as the norm in World War II.

Based on these very few facts, and with over 35 different kinds of rings listed on Wikipedia alone, it seems odd that men would find a girl wearing a ring on her right hand to indicate any sort of attachment to another person. With a designated finger for engagement and wedding rings, I feel like it can’t get more obvious that I am not, in fact, engaged, and I certainly would never be lucky enough to date someone who would be cool enough to find a vintage opal heart ring.

I find that taking off my ring may become a hobbit habit if going out and mingling with people. Beyond that, however, I see no reason to take off a piece of jewellery that I hold so close to my heart.

I’m curious — has anyone else experienced something similar? How do you feel about wearing rings (or maybe even other types of jewellery) when not in a relationship?

How do you say “I know that feeling” in Simlish?

Two weeks ago, I put my ghetto pink laptop from college to rest. After dropping it once (okay, three times), forgetting to ever clean the screen and letting it overheat on my bed for five years, it was starting to fail at performing basic tasks, such as opening a browser in less than a minute or properly playing my Sims game.

Let me start by saying that I am totally 100% okay with the fact that I am addicted to the Sims. Perhaps it’s because I’m a control freak or because somewhere deep down I enjoy manipulating people, but I find the notion of creating a family, watching it grow and letting them live out their ambitions to be rewarding, challenging and extremely fun. The Sims 3 came out a few years ago, and I’ve been dying to have it ever since I heard about all the exciting features: the seamless game play (no loading screens except for the beginning), focused more on achieving goals than guiding your Sim to the bathroom every five minutes, the  crazy awesome expansion packs… I wanted it all. Now that I have my new laptop and have installed the Sims 3, I’ve found that Will Wright may know me a little too well. It appears that he designed this game to perfectly reflect several aspects in my life.

Lucky betch.

I have absolutely no idea how to properly hook Sims up anymore. While it was relatively simple to do in previous versions, I have struggled to even have my Sims go on a successful date. I seriously had a Sim say, “That was boring…maybe we can go out on an exciting date next time?” after taking the couple to a movie and an art gallery. What the heck is considered more exciting than that? Skydiving?

When I first tried the game out, I created a relatively good-looking girl with high ambition and commitment issues. I figured that I would have this Sim avoid dating, level up in her career and then maybe adopt a kid after a while. My Sim goes to work, however, and finds herself attracted to a man in the office and immediately wants to date him. Flash forward a few minutes hours, and I’ve taken this Sim out on nine dates with nothing happening… not even a kiss or a hint of wanting a relationship. My Sim ends up reaching her career goals and living her life out alone.

When the grim reaper came and her frail little elderly Sim body was taken to the local cemetery, I paused my game in disgust as I realized that the Sim I had created — the Sim that was so adament to achieve success that she didn’t know what the hell to do in her love life — was ME. Off in the distance, I swear I could almost hear Sims developers laughing as yet another hopeless nerd fell into the trap of playing their tragic life out through what can only be described as a high-tech adult version of a dollhouse. What I’ve worried about most has finally been confirmed: dating in this age is extremely difficult, even in the Sims.

I feel like my attempt at finding someone special has been so depressingly close to what my first Sim experienced: I meet someone who I feel would be great for me, and then one of two things happen — I run away the moment I find out that they have feelings for me too, or I somehow mess everything up. I have placed being on my own, not having any attachment and focusing on my career far higher than finding love, and I worry now that I am doomed to meet the same fate as my poor Sim.

Just like in real life, helping out a person in the Sims has many challenges. Unexpected things happen: You fall in love with someone who you know isn’t really right for you, you try to figure out where your skills lie and how you’re going to use them to make a living, you try to make friendships with individuals that can add happiness and fulfilment to your life and, in between all of that, you are struggling just to pay bills and get by. No matter which way you play it, though, the end result is always the same: death, darkness, game over. Perhaps it’s time that I take a step back and think about why I, like my Sim, have chosen to let the fear of commitment and vulnerability rule my life. Hopefully my Sims and I can find love and happiness. Maybe the answer is staring me right in the face — flailing its arms around on the computer screen.