Modern Woman

19 May

Kate's excited to be a modern woman! Or maybe she's crying. Wait...

During one of the very few house parties that I went to while attending college, an inebriated gay man drew me aside from the “date” I was with who now reminds me of the socially awkward penguin, waved his hands around in that way that only gay men can get away with, and said, “Honey, I just did my senior thesis on the definition of the ‘modern woman’. YOU are a modern woman, and you need to own that and take that man upstairs and have your way with him.” Luckily, the house party was broken up by the police before I could come back with a witty, Liz Lemon-ish response about how I really just came to the party for the food and Natty Light. But, looking back, Drunk Gay Man was right: I am a modern woman, damnit, and I need to grab life by the reins, take it upstairs, and have my way with it. Or something like that.

First step toward embracing my inner modern woman? Find a full time job that embraces my inner nerd and love for creative thinking and marketing. While working in Retail Robot land, I often have customers ask me if I am going to school. After I tell them that I am studying marketing, I usually get mixed responses that involve wishing me luck or telling me that marketing has become so competitive that I’ll probably have to go to grad school just to become more qualified. A drunk guy who goes to a local community college told me, though, that marketing is “like so easy to find a job, man…all the creative nerds end up in marketing.” Apparently when people are drunk they feel the need to give me advice or offer their input on my personal life. But what–creative nerds in marketing? That was news to me. Therefore, I’m on a quest to find the kind of job that Community College Drunkard said is so easy for me to nab. If he ends up to be right, I’ll have to go find him and buy him a beer.

Second thing on the list of becoming a “modern woman” is to continue to fulfill the very large (and expensive) shoes of Carrie Bradshaw and her Sex & the City posse by living a wonderful and successful single life until I am thirty and then proceeding to complain about the singledom I was once so enthusiastic about. Since I only get hit on at work by elderly men (and I don’t trust their eyesight anyway), I’d say I’m doing a pretty good job of that so far. Or, maybe I should start boozing it up seven days a week and fist pump my way through life like the Jersey Shore kids whose IQ’s are as low as the tops that they wear. I mean that’s what being a modern woman is about, right? Comparing our own personal standards and ways of thinking/acting to the  things revolving around us daily like a satellite of impending self-hate (Facebook, celebrities, Kate fucking Middleton)? Please.

After completing my four years of university, I am excited to hopefully help to redefine exactly what a modern woman is. I am excited to do the things that I want to do, even if it’s just completing my goal of reading everything ever written by Kurt Vonnegut or watching every Millionaire Matchmaker episode that my DVR can possibly record (who knew that rich people were so messed up?). Either way, I’ll be doing it on my own grounds from here on out, and that is quite exhilarating.

In other words, this post was an attempt to disguise the fact that absolutely nothing interesting has been happening at work except for a woman yelling at me for mistaking “alcohol” as wine when she really wanted rubbing alcohol (“I have never, EVER, had a drop of alcohol. Why would you think that, when I asked where the alcohol was, you meant that? I meant rubbing alcohol!” Okay, lady, I think you and your therapist still have a bit of work to do…). In an effort to make this blog more interesting, I plan on developing special picture posts which allow me to provide you with the humorous/disgusting things that I get to see at my retail job once a week. After walking around last Saturday with my cell phone camera ready and finding absolutely nothing to take pictures of, I must say I am quite disappointed. Maybe next week! And, hey, if anyone sees something at their local retailers, send it this way!

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4 Responses to “Modern Woman”

  1. alonewithcats May 20, 2011 at 7:07 am #

    Take it as a compliment when people ask whether you’re in school. It means you look young. I realize you are young, and you won’t come to appreciate this for another few years. But when you’re 30 and someone asks you where you go to school, you’ll remember me and how wise I am.

    P.S. We should hang out in Cleveland when I visit my crazy family. No current trips planned, but it’s only a matter of time.

    • Retail Robot May 20, 2011 at 9:13 am #

      Haha, and most of the time people are asking what HIGH SCHOOL I’m going to, which makes me even more upset! I get carded everywhere and have been told I look 18. I don’t really enjoy it now but, yes, one day I will realize how right you are.

      Omg we really should–that would totally make my year! 😀 And even if you forget, I highly recommended spending a day around the area visiting every drug store in sight and trying to find me. Reward? I’ll sneak in a free can/bag of kitty chow.

  2. steveballmer May 31, 2011 at 7:45 am #

    lovely lady

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