Archive | July, 2011

Am I unknowingly on the set of a new Final Destination movie?

21 Jul

I feel ridiculous saying this, but it has been two and a half months and I am already back at my university’s library. An hour ago, I was at home eating dinner and watching the makeup slowly start to melt off of my face faster than a transvestite wax figure being held near a gigantic blowtorch. Now, I am basking in the air conditioned, musky smelling basement of the library with all of my essentials: a bag of pita chips and hummus, My Booky Wook 2 by Russell Brand, and a large water bottle with a Strawberry Kiwi Benefiber packet mixed in. So why, one might ask, am I here? Mainly because the library is the only public and air conditioned place less than a mile from my house. Considering the increase of bad luck that I have been having since the beginning of July, I am beginning to wonder if it is only a matter of time before something odd and terrible happens to me à la  Final Destination.

In the past week, I have had my second flat tire since the beginning of the summer, an interview that turned out to be a total scam, a man hit the back of my car (only after having the front of my car repaired two weeks ago) and my roomie/landlord deciding to have her boyfriend move in and giving me until August to move out. On top of all of this, our air conditioning is broken during the hottest week of the summer so far. My roomie, who only shows up at night when she and her boyfriend slip into her bed and do it like they do on the Discovery Channel, didn’t even notice that it wasn’t working until I mentioned it yesterday. Oddly, she doesn’t seem to mind sleeping in the heat. After all, what’s more sexually appealing than sweating so much that your bed becomes a giant slip ‘n’ slide? Literally. Ew.

I'm sure my next flat tire will be due to a situation exactly like this

It seems that about 70% of my problems have to do with my car. And, while flat tires and car accidents are totally normal, I am starting to wonder if my car is either secretly a Transformer with a vengeance or under the surveillance of James Wong as he tries to gather new material for Final Destination 6 or whatever number they’re on. I wouldn’t be surprised if the little mishaps that seem to occur every day started turning into catastrophic events: a giant meteor from outer space with craters spelling out “Sucks For You!” shooting down and heading right for my car, finding shards of glass in my Chipotle burrito bowl or, horror of horrors, having my flat iron burst into flames and singe that one eyebrow that I finally made even with the other eyebrow so I didn’t look like a stroke victim anymore.

The only thing getting me through this summer

Either way, as ridiculous as it sounds, all of these small and common nuggets of “bad luck” make me excited for the future. I’ve always believed in the theory that life is like a great scale: with the good comes the bad, and with the bad comes the good. If we had never gone a day in our lives feeling unloved, hungry or scared, how could we truly appreciate the feelings of companionship, satiation and comfort? After having such great luck for a while, I gladly embrace the negative events that have been coming my way because it only means that equally as powerful good things will soon follow. That is, of course, unless I get burned to death in a tanning bed, ride a roller coaster that goes off the tracks, or start a fire in my kitchen that I’m unable to escape. But those kind of things only happen in movies, right?


5 Things Retail Taught Me This Week

12 Jul
Baby drool

That's right, kiddo, slobber all over that candy bar your mom isn't going to let you buy.

I firmly believe that you can learn a lot every day if you just stop and pay attention. For example, I learned what an ascot was thanks to a straight man (or is he?) making fun of one on an older man. If I hadn’t been paying attention, I might have completely lost out on learning such an important word in the fashion world. The only fashion-related words in my vocabulary are “Forever” and “21”.

Yesterday, as I was ringing out customers who seriously had the most coupons I’ve ever seen at one time (I blame it on that stupid “Extreme Couponing” show), I started thinking about how many useful and sometimes random things I had learned about life, the universe and everything thanks to working in Retail Robot land. I’ve decided to be super generous today and share some of these wonderful gems:

  1. There’s always someone crazier, dumber or just plain worse off than you are. Walked out of the house with your shirt inside out? Added numbers incorrectly in your head? Had a ninja steal something from you while you weren’t looking? It’s okay because there’s someone out there who’s had to deal with a lot more.
  2. People are more good than bad. Yes, I’ve had a lot of customers throw money at me, yell at me and accuse me of stealing their Tums (did not!) but the majority of customers I have come into contact with are pleasant and willing to help others. Within the past week I witnessed a customer buying a complete stranger their items because they had forgotten their money and another woman helping a man with crippled arms put the items from his cart onto the counter. Most customers who appear to be rude are usually lost in their own little worlds and simply not paying attention to their actions.
  3. Good Parenting Skills Do Exist One of the most outstanding mommy-tricks I have seen while working involves a mother of three very rowdy boys picking up her bag of groceries after being rung out and yelling, “Okay who wants to be mommy’s helper?” I’ve never seen hyperactive children act so well-behaved in order to earn such a coveted title. On the flip side,
  4. So Do Bad Parenting Skills Talking on your iPhone about your baby daddy not paying child support while your infant pulls his own five finger discount and starts munching on a candy bar, walking out of  the store and leaving your kids staring up at me with confused and often sad looks on their faces, letting your child slobber over an item so much that the soggy barcode doesn’t even scan anymore. It’s a shame one of our store coupons can’t be a free sterilization voucher.
  5. Old people are awesome And the ones that aren’t awesome are just grouchy because they don’t have anyone to talk to. If you see an old person in line with you at a store, try making small talk with them. I’ve seen it brighten a lot of elderly customer’s days when this happens. Smile as they stop in front of doors while searching their pockets for their Jitterbug cell phones to tell their assisted living to pick them up, bask yourself in the aroma of mildew and cheap cologne that so heavily clings to elderly men, and don’t speak loudly to them unless you’ve verified that they are, in fact, hard of hearing (they totally hate this and I don’t blame them).
Learn anything new about life while in your local store of choice? Disagree with me about the old people? Let me know!
%d bloggers like this: