Am I unknowingly on the set of a new Final Destination movie?

21 Jul

I feel ridiculous saying this, but it has been two and a half months and I am already back at my university’s library. An hour ago, I was at home eating dinner and watching the makeup slowly start to melt off of my face faster than a transvestite wax figure being held near a gigantic blowtorch. Now, I am basking in the air conditioned, musky smelling basement of the library with all of my essentials: a bag of pita chips and hummus, My Booky Wook 2 by Russell Brand, and a large water bottle with a Strawberry Kiwi Benefiber packet mixed in. So why, one might ask, am I here? Mainly because the library is the only public and air conditioned place less than a mile from my house. Considering the increase of bad luck that I have been having since the beginning of July, I am beginning to wonder if it is only a matter of time before something odd and terrible happens to me à la  Final Destination.

In the past week, I have had my second flat tire since the beginning of the summer, an interview that turned out to be a total scam, a man hit the back of my car (only after having the front of my car repaired two weeks ago) and my roomie/landlord deciding to have her boyfriend move in and giving me until August to move out. On top of all of this, our air conditioning is broken during the hottest week of the summer so far. My roomie, who only shows up at night when she and her boyfriend slip into her bed and do it like they do on the Discovery Channel, didn’t even notice that it wasn’t working until I mentioned it yesterday. Oddly, she doesn’t seem to mind sleeping in the heat. After all, what’s more sexually appealing than sweating so much that your bed becomes a giant slip ‘n’ slide? Literally. Ew.

I'm sure my next flat tire will be due to a situation exactly like this

It seems that about 70% of my problems have to do with my car. And, while flat tires and car accidents are totally normal, I am starting to wonder if my car is either secretly a Transformer with a vengeance or under the surveillance of James Wong as he tries to gather new material for Final Destination 6 or whatever number they’re on. I wouldn’t be surprised if the little mishaps that seem to occur every day started turning into catastrophic events: a giant meteor from outer space with craters spelling out “Sucks For You!” shooting down and heading right for my car, finding shards of glass in my Chipotle burrito bowl or, horror of horrors, having my flat iron burst into flames and singe that one eyebrow that I finally made even with the other eyebrow so I didn’t look like a stroke victim anymore.

The only thing getting me through this summer

Either way, as ridiculous as it sounds, all of these small and common nuggets of “bad luck” make me excited for the future. I’ve always believed in the theory that life is like a great scale: with the good comes the bad, and with the bad comes the good. If we had never gone a day in our lives feeling unloved, hungry or scared, how could we truly appreciate the feelings of companionship, satiation and comfort? After having such great luck for a while, I gladly embrace the negative events that have been coming my way because it only means that equally as powerful good things will soon follow. That is, of course, unless I get burned to death in a tanning bed, ride a roller coaster that goes off the tracks, or start a fire in my kitchen that I’m unable to escape. But those kind of things only happen in movies, right?


3 Responses to “Am I unknowingly on the set of a new Final Destination movie?”

  1. mesamendoza July 24, 2011 at 10:58 pm #

    You sound like you really could be in the next final destination movie! I’m sorry things aren’t going to well for you, but I’m sure after all this stuff blows over and maybe you get away from the chaos things will get better.
    And I’m only assuming here but you have to be at a seven eleven otherwise you live by the coolest speedway ever! But I’m assuming because one you have a slurpie cup and way more variety. I miss 7/11 very much.

    Hope everything gets better soon!

    • Retail Robot July 24, 2011 at 11:04 pm #

      Thanks! I’m sure things will blow over soon but in the meantime I’m trying to keep my sanity!

      No, I work near a Speedway but I really couldn’t find any good Speedway slushie pictures on Google. Their flavors suck! I mix half Mountain Dew and half Blue Raspberry and it seems to do the trick. 🙂

      Thanks for reading!

      • mesamendoza July 24, 2011 at 11:07 pm #

        Oh my goodness I do that too! It’s the only way to go!

        And seriously if that happened to your car…. That would suck

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