Single, Nursing Mother Searches for Companion

27 Jan

I made the ridiculous decision of having a New Year’s resolution for 2012. Don’t get me wrong—I absolutely love setting personal goals and working toward them.  Blame it on the Catholic guilt that has stayed with me long after my relationship with organized religion has or on the fact that I really, really hate not keeping promises to ANYONE including myself. Either way, I’m damn good at making and achieving my goals because I pretty much see it as a promise that I can’t back down on. Which is good, but bad…

With that being said, my 2012 New Year’s Resolution is to go on at least two dates a month. It doesn’t have to be the same person twice, it doesn’t even have to be anything meaningful, just getting myself out there and away from men that I have previously fallen for who either live a million miles away, are still living the lifestyle of a college student on their parents’ budgets or decide that they actually like men (he didn’t admit it, but I know it’s true).

I decided to two-time the system by signing up for not only OK Cupid, but also a three month subscription to Match.com. To quote Zombieland, it was time for me to nut up or shut up.

My daily routine during the work week has become the quintessential portrait of the single mother: I come home, I make dinner, I sit on my couch and I nurse my child cat while scouring the two websites for a shred of hope.

My kitten Charlie, who was abandoned by his mother, has apparently come to the conclusion that my shirt is his sustenance. I found out that this is called ‘dry nursing’ after Googling the exact search phrase ‘kitten sucking and licking shirt.’ If the CIA is tapping into my computer God only know what they think. So, I sift through the messages from bald, fat men old enough to be my father and instant messages that are peppered with so much poor grammar that I almost reach for a red Sharpie and start proofreading the screen in disgust all while partaking in my own wet t-shirt contest hosted by my kitten. It’s gotten to the point where I keep old shirts lying around that I change into once the dry nursing has subsided.

The aftermath.

The aftermath.

Trying to date men online that you really don’t know is kind of like dry nursing, though: you’re basically trying to find a shred of comfort and hope by sucking on the dry teat of date sites held together by shoddy algorithms. Most of the time, however, you find that you’ve done all that you’ve can and all you’re left with is an awkward, uncomfortable mess that is nothing like the natural thing. Either way, I suppose I still have some hope left…I just think that I have a lot of shirt changes to go through until I find something worth keeping.

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6 Responses to “Single, Nursing Mother Searches for Companion”

  1. alonewithcats February 2, 2012 at 11:58 pm #

    Isabel nurses me, too! Twinsies! Except she sucks my thumb instead of a shirt. The vet told me she’d grow out of it. That was nine years ago. (At this point, I actually think I’d be devastated if she ever stopped. It’s our thing.)

  2. I am Reptard February 3, 2012 at 10:08 pm #

    Ugh, I wish Charlie sucked my thumb instead of giving me soggy shirts! I hope he grows out of it but I love him enough that I could deal with it if he doesn’t stop. So funny that Isabel does the same thing!

    • alonewithcats February 8, 2012 at 7:27 pm #

      Oh, there’s still plenty of sogginess. She drools while nursing, leaving a wet spot on my shirt or sheets. Love her.

      When I first brought her home as a teeny tiny kitten, she climbed onto the couch and made her way to my neck, where she purred and kneaded and … nursed my earlobe. I eventually weaned her off my earlobe by giving her my thumb instead. Sometimes, she starts at my thumb and goes to my other fingers one by one. I’m not sure how I haven’t died from the cuteness.

      • I am Reptard February 12, 2012 at 6:31 pm #

        How did you wean her off? I am trying to get him to nurse on a t-shirt that I having lying around, but it only works half of the time.

        That is so adorable! 🙂

  3. alonewithcats February 17, 2012 at 12:23 am #

    I put my thumb next to my earlobe and hoped for the best. Although it tickled and overall I didn’t have any real objection to her nursing my earlobe — we share food, she drinks from my cups, she licks the chapstick off my lips, etc. — I thought future overnight guests might think it was odd to wake up and see a cat sucking on my ear. I was totally wrong. There are never overnight guests.

    Good luck with your shirts. 🙂

    • I am Reptard February 17, 2012 at 9:50 pm #

      Hahaha…aww. Well, I must say that you really inspired me to train Charlie to stop making my shirts a soaking mess. He’s been dry nursing his little pink t-shirt for almost two weeks now. Success! 😀 Are either of your cats looking for a boyfriend? Charlie may have nursing problems, but he is available AND he always wears a tuxedo. He’s a true gentleman 🙂

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