I Don’t Care About Your Goshdarn Wedding

Sparkles. Surprises. Magic. No, I’m not talking about the life of Disney Princesses, I’m talking about the moment that so many women dream of: engagement.

I’m turning twenty-five in a few months and I’ve only been to two friends’ weddings so far, but I am already absolutely SICK of hearing about rings, venues, flowers, suits, dresses, everything wedding-related. A lot of women would not say this out loud (but I bet some of you are silently nodding your heads in agreement), so I’ll go ahead and be the martyr: I don’t give a goshdarn hoot about your engagement or wedding unless you are one of my close friends.

No, I don’t want to read a 800-character blog post about your engagement day and how you spent the night clinking champagne in flutes from Pier 1 (and omg, you’re going to register there, right?) or how you’ve secretly had your wedding planned a year in advance thanks to your “One Day…” private Pinterest board. I am not happy for you unless I’ve seen you at your worst and best, I know everything about you and I am close with you. Then, and only then, can I truly be happy for an engaged woman.

This has nothing to do with jealousy. In fact, I have never — not even once — dreamt about my future wedding day. I could care less. It takes enough effort for me to decorate my work cubicle, let alone a wedding hall. Instead, there are two things that rub me the wrong way with weddings these days:

1. The money

2. The need to spend excess money and show off thanks to social media, which has turned us all into self-absorbed idiots.

Let’s go a bit more in-depth.

Money

Guess what? Our economy is still crap. Heck, we just had a government shutdown. Despite the fact that many twenty-somethings don’t make even close to what their parents would have made in the same position several decades ago, and despite the fact that we all have huge loans that we can’t pay off with our entry-level jobs, we still find it acceptable to plan $15,000 weddings. Maybe I’m just a frugal old man deep inside, but I can’t justify spending that much money on anything, even if you “get a lot of it back in gifts.” I really applaud couples who wait a year and a half or two years to get married and save money together. But, at the same time, that money could be spent on a future house, a car that really is getting old, retirement money, who knows. It’s just So. Much. Money.

Social Media is Destroying Our Life Events

I recently came across this amazing article which basically outlines the true underlying reasons of why we all go on social media. Spoiler: none of it is good. We are becoming self-obsessed, anti-social bragaholics who go online to get gratification for our lives and “prove” to other people that we are a fully functioning and enviable member of society. It’s ridiculous! Engagements and weddings are probably the most magnified life events on social media sites. From close-up shots of the ring to constant status updates about wedding planning, it is no wonder that so many women feel that they are almost doing something wrong because THEY don’t have those statuses yet. The same can be said for posts about new jobs, pregnancies or even new cars. Social media, Facebook in particular, isn’t a place where people are real. Instead, it’s where the best version of everyone lives, and sometimes that version is embellished.

Engagements are special because you are making a promise to marry the love of your life. Weddings are special because you are promising to love that person, for better or for worse, until you both take your last breath. THAT is the beauty of weddings, and that beauty can’t be shown through a $15,000 wedding, and it doesn’t need to be. It’s an event that is for two people… for their lives… for their future together. That’s it. No dollar amount is going to make a marriage better or worse and, if you ask me, starting off a marriage in debt from the ring/main event is no good way to start a life together.

Am I crazy? Does anyone else agree?

I Really, Really Like “Girls”

As a twenty-something girl who can barely maintain a blog, hasn’t had anything published since college and can’t take time out of the day to even read and subsequently gush about The Fountainhead anymore, I am supposed to hate twenty-six year-old Lena Dunham, who is now an award-winning writer, producer and actress of her smash TV show “Girls.” I don’t hate Lena, though. In fact, I kind of want to be her friend.

I won’t pretend that I was a “Girls” fan from the offset. I saw a preview for it a few weeks before the pilot aired, and it seemed like that horrible mix of awkward comedy, hipster quips and drug-fueled party scenes that tend to send me running in the other direction. I heard about the show winning a Golden Globe, I watched Lena give her speech and I immediately went to HBO Go to start watching the series from the beginning. A week and twelve episodes later, I found myself listing the many reasons why I love and identify with “Girls” while taking a shower today (seriously, I can never turn my brain off). I’m sure that a lot of amazing reviews have been done for this show, and I really don’t give a hoot. Here it is, WordPress – enjoy your millionth “Reasons Why I Love ‘Girls’” blog post. I’m not sorry.

Why Do I Love “Girls”?

It is the Only TV Show Set in New York That Doesn’t Make Me Insanely Jealous that I Don’t Live in New York

Lena has admitted that “Girls” is very much a “Sex and the City” for twenty-somethings. While this is somewhat true, there are many deviations, one being the fact that the four girls in Lena’s show are not partaking in the quintessential New York life – think brunch in fancy restaurants, shoe shopping, eating ice cream (or jogging, or hitting on hot men with cute dogs) in Central Park, partying in night clubs where they always cut to the front of the line and hot sex with millionaires. Instead, the show touches upon the economy and receiving money from their parents just to get by, the girls’ inabilities to pay rent or even find decent jobs despite their college degrees, sleeping with men who are most likely sociopaths and panicking over STD tests and pregnancy scares. The party scenes are few and actually play a part in the story or development of characters, and the clothing is less Prada and more Goodwill.

It is Unapologetic

Did you ever think you’d see a show where a man is lying on a bed asking Lena’s character, Hannah, to urinate into a pot because he’s too lazy (sorry, “in pain”) to get out of bed? How about watching a girl struggle to pull down her tights as she’s attempting to have sex with her super weird boyfriend-that-isn’t-really-a-boyfriend? This show is full of awkward, weird scenes that I’m sure many people find uncomfortable. The reason why they are uncomfortable is because they remind us, whether we are in our twenties or not, that we all do really stupid things when we are young and that the mid-twenties are less about confidence and more about trying to hide your anxiety. The show portrays both sides of the relationship spectrum for twenty-somethings: the hookup culture and “comfort” relationships that stemmed in college and have fizzled out but stayed intact due to being a security blanket. Neither situation, as the show points out, is a happy one. As Hannah says, “I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time, thinks I’m the best person in the world, and wants to have sex with only me.”

It Has a “Real” Woman

One of my favorite shows right now simply because it proudly shows a woman who would be considered overweight by Hollywood’s standards is “The Mindy Project.” I absolutely love Mindy Kahling and think her confidence and figure are gorgeous. I didn’t know of any other shows that featured a healthy-sized woman until I started watching “Girls.” As many reviews say, Lena’s character continues to be naked in the show in a way that makes you wonder if the entire point is not for her to be naked, but to teach viewers a lesson. Her body is not toned, skinny or tattoo-free, and her hair is barely done nicely on most days, and this gives “Girls” a raw and refreshing feel. I really commend Lena Dunham for showing the unpolished, real side of everyday women. I think it may be the only “girly” show I’ve watched where I haven’t felt ugly, fat and without nice designer clothes. It’s real; it’s not selling sex, makeup and clothing and I would support the show on this fact alone, even if the writing was awful.

Men Aren’t the Saviors

I am not sure if Lena Dunham is a feminist, but her show definitely has some feminist overtones. Every man introduced on the show, whether it is Hannah’s father, her so-called boyfriend or the man Marnie is dating is there to let us as the audience make judgment calls on exactly what is considered a healthy relationship for a twenty-something woman. Is the man-child who has temper issues, is disgustingly lazy and belittles women unless they are there for sex considered a good person to date? What about the man who loves his girlfriend so much and is so sweet and emotional that he actually turns the girl off? What about the young man who doesn’t “do” virgins and rejects the girl who tells him she is one? “Girls” doesn’t point fingers or show which men are right, wrong, perfect or crazy. Instead, nothing is said – in fact, the audience knows that Hannah is in a very unhealthy relationship much, much quicker that she herself realizes in the show.

“Girls” is probably one of the best shows I’ve ever watched, and it’s not because it’s well-written, has great actors and is original. It is because it is the only fictional show I have ever seen on television that lets young women feel okay about the changes, struggles and situations that they are going through. It is the only show where I’ve laughed not because a scene is funny, but because I never once thought that other girls had gone through things that I have. That validation is worth its weight in gold, or maybe just worth paying extra for HBO. 

One Year Recap: Life Outside College and How to Truly Embrace Your First Job – PART ONE

A few days ago, I had my first pumpkin spice latte of the season. Only after that first warm, delicious sip did I truly celebrate the one year anniversary of me starting my first job out of college.

Last year at this time, I stopped by the local Dunkin Donuts and sipped that exact same drink as I made my very first one hour commute from my grandparents’ house, where I was living after graduating, to my new job. Though I’m not too slow to adapt to new surroundings, the first week of anything new is usually a huge shock to my system – so much so that my memory usually is completely wiped of that first week. I don’t think I remember more than five memories of my first full year of high school after moving, which was by far the worst mental shock I’d been through. I can’t tell you what I did that first week of my job, but I can tell you this: I was terrified and excited at the same time. I remember staring at my cubicle and having tears well up in my eyes as I thought to myself, “Is this my life for the next forty-some years? Waking up early, trudging to work and staring at grey cubicle walls? Am I cut out for this?”

I have been brutally honest to the several friends that I have who are still in their senior year of college: Graduating and having your first job is a very rude awakening. In fact, it’s best described as a serious of ruthless smacks on the face and shoves into concrete walls that continue for at least two months, maybe more. The beauty, however, is that each day as your brain and heart and body get pushed around, you are transforming into the best person you’re going to be. In a special two part series, I’m going to touch upon a few of the experiences I have had so far a year into my job and how I dealt with them. I truly hope this provides comfort and knowledge to others in similar situations.

The only time of the year when I’m totally okay spending money on coffee every day.

Making Office Friends

I am the kind of person who wants to be friends with everyone. When I jumped into my job, I was faced with a very tight-knit group of girls in my marketing department who all seemed to have their own inside jokes and interesting stories to talk about. I felt so alone and left out, and it was mostly because (here comes the tip, people!) I was comparing it to college. Only now have I put both things together, but it’s true: In college, it is pretty safe to say that everyone is there to make friends, and it’s pretty darn easy to do it. In the workforce, it’s a bit different. People come and go and there aren’t activities to really ease yourself into friendship like school does, so it’s a completely different approach. My best advice is to be cordial and nice and let the relationships with your co-workers develop slowly. Once you get really comfortable there (and for me it took about seven months), you will loosen up and talking to co-workers will come naturally.  I was pretty shy when I started, and now I joke around and waste time talking to people as much as the next person.

Expand Outside of Your Department

If you work in a medium to large-sized company, there’s a high possibility of you never really speaking to anyone outside of your own department. In your first year, make a mental effort to change that. You will come upon a time where you will have to call someone in another department for help or to assist you in a project, so use that time to your advantage and let yourself become a familiar face to them. Here’s an extra special tip: Befriend your IT department. They are usually full of the coolest, most laid back people and are super approachable. They also will give you extra special treatment when you are having computer issues or need access to top-secret things, such as the color printer or the privacy-protected mobile wifi access.

Don’t Date a Co-Worker

Don’t do this. Let me repeat: Don’t do this. Ever. Ever ever. Even if, like me, you think that it helps you to relate more the next time you read Bridget Jones’s Diary. Dating a co-worker makes the workplace awkward because you have to watch your every move. Word will spread faster than wildfire that you are involved in an office romance and it could potentially ruin your professional appearance and job. In my case, I didn’t start a relationship with a co-worker, but I did go on a date with one. During our (awful) date, I told him that I would “be the biggest bitch and make your life a living hell” if he ever told anyone, which he did. Pro tip: Threatening men isn’t as successful when you are drinking raspberry cider ale. It just doesn’t seem as hardcore. If you do decide to date someone in the workplace, which I hope you don’t, try to date someone in another department. And by another department, I mean one at least one floor down from yours. Preferably two.

Oh hey, Bridget, who’s there? NOT YOUR CHEEKY (those Brits can get away with using that word so well) OFFICE ROMANCE. Nope.

Stay tuned for the second half where I’ll share some more of my wonderful nougat-centered nuggets of wisdom.

My Own Personal Mordor (or Why I Chose Not to Wear the Ring)

A week ago, I consulted one of my closest straight male friends about an issue that I was having: what is it with men and approaching women/asking for their number? I thoroughly enjoy observing people, and nine times out of ten I’d say that I witness girls coming on to guys, asking for numbers and doing all the work more than I see men doing this. As a girl who digs nerdy guys, this rings especially  true: most of the time, men are completely oblivious to how you feel about them unless you tell them straight-up. What, I asked my friend, goes through a man’s mind when he’s contemplating approaching a girl or flirting with her?

He immediately started asking me what I considered to be very random questions. One of them almost made me laugh out loud: “Do you wear any rings on your fingers?” Don’t get me wrong: I like jewellery and shiny, sparkling things, but I tend to keep all of that to a minimum in my everyday life. I think that too much jewellery looks tacky. Therefore, I mostly only wear one important piece on my right middle finger: a  gold ring with an opal heart in the center that my great-grandmother used to wear. I have gotten so many compliments on this ring that I hardly ever take it off. Well, until I got that text message from my friend.

“So, you’re telling me that as a modern, single woman I can’t even wear a friggin’ ring on my right hand? Are you nuts?” I furiously texted him back, hoping he’d realize his mistake. What he told me seemed so simple and so lacking in logic that I knew that it had to be the way that the majority of men think. “Well,” he replied, “my fiancé never wore any rings until she got engaged to me. And if I saw a girl with a heart ring on any of her fingers, I’d probably assume that she was attached in some way.” Apparently Frodo ain’t the only one who had problems wearing a piece of jewellery on his hand. If I had to ask whether I was going to get an A or an F in the whole being single department, Gandalf surely would be standing here telling me that I shall not pass.

I was going to put a picture of Frodo here until I stumbled across this (freaky) picture of Cate Blanchett. Damn, girl, what under eye concealer do you USE?

Sure enough, once I had taken off the ring my dating/love life got a little (may I stress the little part) better. What, I wondered, started this whole ring business anyway?

History for Reptards: What is This Gold Thing on My Finger Edition

According to Wikipedia, by far the most reputable site for finding all historical facts on the world wide interwebs, wearing and giving rings has been going on for over 6,000 years. As many may know, the ring finger of the left hand is used for engagement and wedding rings because there is a belief that there is a vein in that fourth finger that connects directly to the heart (does that creep anyone else out?). Want to know the craziest part? The custom of wearing a wedding ring on this finger was only established as the norm in World War II.

Based on these very few facts, and with over 35 different kinds of rings listed on Wikipedia alone, it seems odd that men would find a girl wearing a ring on her right hand to indicate any sort of attachment to another person. With a designated finger for engagement and wedding rings, I feel like it can’t get more obvious that I am not, in fact, engaged, and I certainly would never be lucky enough to date someone who would be cool enough to find a vintage opal heart ring.

I find that taking off my ring may become a hobbit habit if going out and mingling with people. Beyond that, however, I see no reason to take off a piece of jewellery that I hold so close to my heart.

I’m curious — has anyone else experienced something similar? How do you feel about wearing rings (or maybe even other types of jewellery) when not in a relationship?

How do you say “I know that feeling” in Simlish?

Two weeks ago, I put my ghetto pink laptop from college to rest. After dropping it once (okay, three times), forgetting to ever clean the screen and letting it overheat on my bed for five years, it was starting to fail at performing basic tasks, such as opening a browser in less than a minute or properly playing my Sims game.

Let me start by saying that I am totally 100% okay with the fact that I am addicted to the Sims. Perhaps it’s because I’m a control freak or because somewhere deep down I enjoy manipulating people, but I find the notion of creating a family, watching it grow and letting them live out their ambitions to be rewarding, challenging and extremely fun. The Sims 3 came out a few years ago, and I’ve been dying to have it ever since I heard about all the exciting features: the seamless game play (no loading screens except for the beginning), focused more on achieving goals than guiding your Sim to the bathroom every five minutes, the  crazy awesome expansion packs… I wanted it all. Now that I have my new laptop and have installed the Sims 3, I’ve found that Will Wright may know me a little too well. It appears that he designed this game to perfectly reflect several aspects in my life.

Lucky betch.

I have absolutely no idea how to properly hook Sims up anymore. While it was relatively simple to do in previous versions, I have struggled to even have my Sims go on a successful date. I seriously had a Sim say, “That was boring…maybe we can go out on an exciting date next time?” after taking the couple to a movie and an art gallery. What the heck is considered more exciting than that? Skydiving?

When I first tried the game out, I created a relatively good-looking girl with high ambition and commitment issues. I figured that I would have this Sim avoid dating, level up in her career and then maybe adopt a kid after a while. My Sim goes to work, however, and finds herself attracted to a man in the office and immediately wants to date him. Flash forward a few minutes hours, and I’ve taken this Sim out on nine dates with nothing happening… not even a kiss or a hint of wanting a relationship. My Sim ends up reaching her career goals and living her life out alone.

When the grim reaper came and her frail little elderly Sim body was taken to the local cemetery, I paused my game in disgust as I realized that the Sim I had created — the Sim that was so adament to achieve success that she didn’t know what the hell to do in her love life — was ME. Off in the distance, I swear I could almost hear Sims developers laughing as yet another hopeless nerd fell into the trap of playing their tragic life out through what can only be described as a high-tech adult version of a dollhouse. What I’ve worried about most has finally been confirmed: dating in this age is extremely difficult, even in the Sims.

I feel like my attempt at finding someone special has been so depressingly close to what my first Sim experienced: I meet someone who I feel would be great for me, and then one of two things happen — I run away the moment I find out that they have feelings for me too, or I somehow mess everything up. I have placed being on my own, not having any attachment and focusing on my career far higher than finding love, and I worry now that I am doomed to meet the same fate as my poor Sim.

Just like in real life, helping out a person in the Sims has many challenges. Unexpected things happen: You fall in love with someone who you know isn’t really right for you, you try to figure out where your skills lie and how you’re going to use them to make a living, you try to make friendships with individuals that can add happiness and fulfilment to your life and, in between all of that, you are struggling just to pay bills and get by. No matter which way you play it, though, the end result is always the same: death, darkness, game over. Perhaps it’s time that I take a step back and think about why I, like my Sim, have chosen to let the fear of commitment and vulnerability rule my life. Hopefully my Sims and I can find love and happiness. Maybe the answer is staring me right in the face — flailing its arms around on the computer screen.

Not OK, Cupid.

As a late Valentine’s Day treat, I thought I would share some of the gems that I have encountered while wading through the cesspool of crazy, awkward individuals on dating sites. Let’s begin, shall we?

I received a message that read “I know since we don’t know eachother my opinion probably doesn’t mean anything to you but I think you look prettier without the bangs.” Okay, first of all? How dare you insult my bangs. They are amazing and I love them. Second of all, take a look at yourself:

Shouldn't you be on SatanicMatch.com?

I seriously almost fell off of my chair laughing. Please, for the love of all that is holy (or in his case, Satanic), do not give style advice to a woman if you look like a serial killer.

Here’s another great one:

Huh?

Actually, I must say that I was flattered to be called a gangster. Finally my days of rapping to Nicki Minaj have paid off!

This one is, hands down, my all-time favorite. Not only did he openly admit his shoe fetish, he also assumed I was enough of a freak to wear SIZE ELEVEN SHOES.

I couldn’t even wrap my head around this one. First of all, how the hell do you market a tugboat company? Second of all, I didn’t even know tugboats still exist. The last one I saw was a Little Tikes one floating around my bathtub when I was four.

I’m not going to lie: there are a lot of nice people who are doing online dating, it’s just that this is only a very small example of the useless crap you have to wade through in order to find them. Happy belated Valentine’s Day!

Single, Nursing Mother Searches for Companion

I made the ridiculous decision of having a New Year’s resolution for 2012. Don’t get me wrong—I absolutely love setting personal goals and working toward them.  Blame it on the Catholic guilt that has stayed with me long after my relationship with organized religion has or on the fact that I really, really hate not keeping promises to ANYONE including myself. Either way, I’m damn good at making and achieving my goals because I pretty much see it as a promise that I can’t back down on. Which is good, but bad…

With that being said, my 2012 New Year’s Resolution is to go on at least two dates a month. It doesn’t have to be the same person twice, it doesn’t even have to be anything meaningful, just getting myself out there and away from men that I have previously fallen for who either live a million miles away, are still living the lifestyle of a college student on their parents’ budgets or decide that they actually like men (he didn’t admit it, but I know it’s true).

I decided to two-time the system by signing up for not only OK Cupid, but also a three month subscription to Match.com. To quote Zombieland, it was time for me to nut up or shut up.

My daily routine during the work week has become the quintessential portrait of the single mother: I come home, I make dinner, I sit on my couch and I nurse my child cat while scouring the two websites for a shred of hope.

My kitten Charlie, who was abandoned by his mother, has apparently come to the conclusion that my shirt is his sustenance. I found out that this is called ‘dry nursing’ after Googling the exact search phrase ‘kitten sucking and licking shirt.’ If the CIA is tapping into my computer God only know what they think. So, I sift through the messages from bald, fat men old enough to be my father and instant messages that are peppered with so much poor grammar that I almost reach for a red Sharpie and start proofreading the screen in disgust all while partaking in my own wet t-shirt contest hosted by my kitten. It’s gotten to the point where I keep old shirts lying around that I change into once the dry nursing has subsided.

The aftermath.

Trying to date men online that you really don’t know is kind of like dry nursing, though: you’re basically trying to find a shred of comfort and hope by sucking on the dry teat of date sites held together by shoddy algorithms. Most of the time, however, you find that you’ve done all that you’ve can and all you’re left with is an awkward, uncomfortable mess that is nothing like the natural thing. Either way, I suppose I still have some hope left…I just think that I have a lot of shirt changes to go through until I find something worth keeping.

The Corporate World, the Retail World, and Why I’m Turning into Liz Lemon

When I told my retail co-workers that I was going to have to severely cut down my hours in order to work at a company temporarily to gain some field experience for my major, I received a mixture of shock and praise. One of my co-workers, a 40 year-old surfer dude who has sympathized with me in the fact that I sometimes want to run away to Vancouver and just become a waitress and people-watch for the rest of my life, seemed to be the most shocked. “I just can’t picture you going over to the dark side,” he said while shaking his long hair, which has more highlights in it than my own, from side to side. Another co-worker told me that she admired the fact that I was trying to get out into the real world and away from constantly juggling twenty things at once, helping customers “shop” (in other words, going to fetch items for them while they stand there), and dealing with women who are obsessed with gingerbread houses.

The thing is, the corporate world is vastly different from retail. You certainly have less crazy people to deal with, you don’t have to worry about overexerting yourself physically because you sit at a desk all day, and you don’t have to wear a polyester-blend shirt in unattractive colors (well, unless you have bad fashion sense…then it’s your own damn fault).  Most importantly, it isn’t as newsworthy–coming home from a day at a retail job, for example, might invoke more interesting stories than coming home from a normal job. I can list at least ten crazy things that happened the last time I worked at my store off the top of my head (one involving a dog chilling out in our stock room), and the only thing I can think of that’s even slightly crazy about my “big girl” job is that I discovered that Mac computers don’t have a “print screen” button. I guess Steve Jobs is just too good for that. I also find that I have more to talk about with my retail co-workers: they share my love for Watchmen, Xbox 360, and obscure alternative folk music. I realized, therefore, that a good happy medium would be to apply for a job that embraces my inner geek, which is why I applied to the associate brand manager job listed for the card game Dungeons & Dragons. I think that I will probably always be involved in retail or some way or the other, but my heart is set on finding a nerdy company to work for who will welcome me with open arms.

Speaking of nerdy, I’ve recently realized, after discovering the amazing show 30 Rock, that I am slowly turning into Tina Fey‘s character of Liz Lemon and I actually don’t mind. As I approach the age of 22 being single, constantly slaving away to either school or work, and binging on unhealthy junk food, I see that my future of becoming a Liz Lemon is imminent: living alone in an apartment, putting credit card collectors on speaker phone while eating dinner just to pretend I have company over, and trying to tape together a bra because I am too busy fighting off people to get the last hot dog at the hot dog stand to go out and buy a new one. I will have gone through five short-lived relationships with men who don’t understand my quirks, sarcasm, or preference for nachos and beer over a five-course meal. And you know what? I’m okay with that. The thing is, Liz is kind of stuck between the personalities of the retail and corporate world too: she has to do her job and act responsible, but at the end of the day all she wants to really do is make fun of people and talk about Star Wars (or in my case, Battlestar Galatica). Either way, as I begin my slow approach towards a new  career, I can only hope that I am able to balance the constant tug-of-war between my inner nerd and the stuffy corporate world as much as Liz Lemon does.